The Sister I’m Not Meant To Know I Have

November 3rd, 2010 / by / in: Uncategorized / 8 Responses

I have no idea why I felt the need to write this post. I had read on a few blogs that it is National Adoption Week and maybe that got me thinking.

You see, I have a sister somewhere out there. She could live in the UK, she could live in Australia, who knows?

The story goes like this – my mum became pregnant when she was young – 18 years old (although that is not young by today’s standards). Her parents were pretty strict and of course did not approve of this. Living in Northern Ireland in a very close community they did not want anyone to know about the pregnancy. So they sent her off to live in England while the pregnancy progressed, telling everyone that she was away at nursing college, and they arranged for the baby to be adopted once it was born.

Even writing it, I can’t believe it actually happened. I suppose I had never thought of my mum as a real person with some secrets in her past. This all got told to me one night when my mum had been drinking. I was completely gobsmacked!

She said she had told my older brother about it years ago when she was scared that he was seeing too many girls – as a “look what can happen” kind of story I guess. Apart from him she hasn’t told anyone else except me. Not even my other brother, who she would be closest to.

I was too shocked to even ask any quesitons about it. It just seemed so surreal. From what she said, I don’t think it was my dad’s baby, although he knew about it and accepted her in spite of it.

I don’t have a great relationship with my mum where I feel I could ask her anything. I wish I could talk to her about it and find out how she feels about it. Would she ever get in contact with her daughter? Has she ever got in contact? We now pretend like the conversation never even happened and I don’t know anything about it. My mum has a brother and a sister and I’m not even sure if they know the truth. I’m pretty sure my mum must think of the daughter she was forced to give away a lot of the time – maybe that explains why she has always been very depressed, and she is now a heavy drinker (I don’t like to say alcoholic).

As for me – would I ever want to try to get in contact with my (half) sister? I must admit I am curious but I don’t think I would ever do it. I was a “surprise” late baby, so this lady must be in her 50’s by now. Maybe I will always wonder about her and wonder if she ever thinks about finding out about her “other family”.

For a great post telling her story of adoption from the other side of the coin, please visit How To Laugh In The Face Of It All.

8 Comments to The Sister I’m Not Meant To Know I Have

  • NovaNo Gravatar says:

    It's hard isn't it. We have 'untalked' about things too. :(

    It's hard to know what's the best thing to do….she may love you to get into contact but then how would your mum feel about that? Without actually discussing it with her it's difficult to know whether it would be too painful for her I suppose. x

    • NicolaNo Gravatar says:

      I know what you mean, I don't want to bring up any more bad memories for my mum. It's just always nice to wonder….

  • The GirlNo Gravatar says:

    It's so strange but I feel like this happens probably more often than we know. I know of 2 people who have siblings out there that they've never met and it's been in fairly similar circumstances – Mum getting pregnant early, strict parents etc etc.

    It's a shame you can't talk to her about these things but I know that there are some things that are left unsaid in families, we certainly have things which we know about but don't speak about, it's silly really.

  • HannahNo Gravatar says:

    You must be so so curious. I know I am. Bit of a differentt situation, but still.

    I have never met my dad. My mum has never replaced him. I've always been from a single parent family, and have never seen/spent time with/heard off my father. I have no idea where he lives. I have a couple of photos, but that's it. I don't know what other family he may have. I may have brothers/sisters out there but I just don't know. I don't think I will ever know really.

    Although my mum is very open about things, and we have a good relationship, she's never spoken about it all. And although she'd probably tell me, I feel as though I shouldn't ask. I get curious moments, where I try and find him or pluck up the courage to ask family about him, but then the curiosity disappears and I try and let things lie.

    Hard though, isn't it?

    Hannah x

    • NicolaNo Gravatar says:

      Oh gosh that must be really hard for you. Do what you feel is right, at the end of the day you have every right to find out about him if that is what you want. xx

  • LiviNo Gravatar says:

    I have 2 half sisters, they weren't a secret like your sister but I didn't meet them until I was about 14. They were lovely but they were 40+ and had their own children who I was much closer in age too. I'd love to have sisters, or brothers, but it's not the same when there's that age gap. We never kept in touch after my Dad died and it doesn't really bother me.


  • KimNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, what a story. I know I would be curious if I was you, too. It is a shame that you don't feel you can talk to her about it – you never know, she may really appreciate being able to talk about it, but at the same time, like you say, it may be bringing up stuff that would be too upsetting and she would rather just leave in the past.

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